Weight on, weight off (The Krash diet Kid)

Panic

I can’t help but wonder when the struggle will be over.

When will I reach my perfect weight? Is there such a thing?

I’m like the next diet-guru by now; in the sense that I know just about every diet there is to know; not that I actually get them to work.

Dieting is exhausting.

Every time I think ‘I’m pretty happy with myself, I look fine, actually better than fine; I look kinda’ very good’  some woman appears like *PING!* looking way better than I do.

Competing is bullshit I know, but immediately you feel you have to better yourself.

So I toss out my Micky D’s and eat a tasteless salad instead.

My panic usually starts about two weeks before an event of some kind; I imagine myself parading on a virtual catwalk and heads turning my way as if some royalty goddess just appeared.

I guess you could call my kind of dieting ‘Event-Dieting’ or something like that; seeing as I only apply the method when there is an obvious reason for losing the weight.

I’m pretty much content with myself in daily life and am totally into the 'celebrate your flaws' thing, but whenever there's an upcoming party of some kind, all signs of a confident Canan leave the building faster than you can say Elvis.

With the range of diets available, almost none of them seem very exiting or successful to me.

Snacking allowed

I just can’t manage to do those diets where you get to eat small snacks.

You have to buy those wanna-be chocolate bars in cartons which contain at least 12 of the little f#ckers.

Who’s going to keep me from eating the lot?

They should come with a supermodel that whispers to you in a deep, low  and sexy voice “Stop, you will never look like me if you eat more than one today”.

And then there is the diet that makes you weigh everything you stuff into your face.

Come on, if you were that keen on weighing stuff; you would have weighed yourself timely and made sure you didn't get your fat arse in the first place!

The people that tell me that the key to slimming, and keeping that figure, is eating regularly should know better than to tell me what I know best.

If I didn't do the eating-thing regularly, how on earth would I have gained!?

What about those calorie, carbs -and whatever other excuse for a word that I don’t understand- counting diets?

If I were thàt good at mathematics; I would be ugly and wouldn't care about what I looked or weighed.

How did your math teacher look? Mine didn’t really look like she even owned a mirror let alone as if she had ever glanced into it!

The Gospel of Exercise

Don’t forget ‘The Chosen Ones’ that try to preach The Gospel of Exercise.

Please stay clear of them; they are the worst kind in Slimming Land!

Those training twats try to infect you with their obsession for movement.

Sorry, the only movement my body carries, is my watch on my left hand wrist.

They claim long-term success. Say what?

I want to look good and tone down now, yesterday, not in the future!

 Did you not hear me say I was going places?

In my case I suppose the best solution is to zip-up into some control wear.

If you can’t zip up your appetite, it’s the best way to go; you can eat, and eventually even get to breathe.

All’s well that ends well, ey?